Firstly, I should establish the goal of this "blog". It has come to my attention that the mean awesomeness of humanity at large has been plummeting faster than a freshman at a frat party. As a person in possession of above-average levels of awesome, I feel it is my duty to help. Why are there so many people running around who think Uggs are still cool? Why do men think squeezing into nut-huggers is actually attractive? When are we legally allowed to start hunting Kardashians? What the hell is this :
and why is it? I think these are questions we should all be asking ourselves. Maybe you don't realize how far down the Golden Ladder of Badassery you've slid, but ask yourself: does it take you more than ten minutes to get ready in the morning? Do you still chest-bump your bros? Hell, do you still call them "bros"?
It's okay, I'm here to help. Today we'll begin with something easy. A list of traits/actions/words you should swiftly and irrevocably remove from your life. For example:
- The use of text slang in every day life. OMG, BTW, LOL....I will begrudgingly accept that these will continue to be used in internet and text vernacular, but I swear to friggin' God if I hear someone actually SAY them one more time, I'm going to shoot them. You sound like a middle schooler.
- Driving in the fast lane when really, you aren't going very fast, now are you? You're actually going a bit under the speed limit, huh? In truth, you're making people want to drag you from your vehicle with their fingernails and curb-stomp in front of your children. I'd stop this just for safety reasons. Your own.
- Being rude. This is a tough one folks, since I honestly believe many of you are WAY beyond help in this area. It wasn't long ago that words like "please" "excuse me" and "thank you" were so common you didn't even notice their use. Now if you hear them, you automatically glance around thinking someone is filming you. Stop ramming your cart into people, stop reaching in front of them, stop having long, pointless conversations in the middle of doorways and stairs. Honestly. This one isn't even that hard.
- Skinny jeans. OH....the fucking skinny jeans. I'm not sure how this trend started, but I have a sneaking suspicion a man designed a pair for his 6'4", 125 pound model, and then everyone started wearing them because no one has the common sense to realize that models are not real people. First, why do you want to struggle for 5 minutes to put on a pair of damn pants? Second, about 2% of the population looks good in them (none of whom are men), and the other 98% should not even want to put something on that clings to every bulge and dimple. In summation: they aren't flattering. Your ass is too big.
- Men who wear baseball hats with a flat brim, cocked sideways. I'm not even going to explain this one. If you can't figure out that you look like a dumbass, no one can help you. Also, new vocab word: BELT. Google it.
- Taking pictures of yourself from above, at a slight angle. This one is mostly for the ladies (hopefully). Once upon a time, pictures used to mean something. They were taken of important events, people who were loved, memories you wanted to cherish. Now every 5 seconds someone posts ANOTHER damn picture of themselves, just themselves, I'm guessing in the hopeless attempt to have someone comment on how pretty or fabulous or sexy they look. You know what I think when I see this? I think "Congratulations. You've documented another moment when you were alive. I see you're doing great things with that gift."
- Perpetuating the ignorance of our society. Read a book. For fuck's sake, please, please, read a book.
- Never get into a land war in Asia.
I think I'll leave my initial list there. Maybe next time I'll have one long rant. Maybe I'll remain in list format. Who knows. There will be a lot of Star Wars chatter, probably a slew of Harry Potter references, and endless talk of football. This could be fun, a small adventure for us all. You stay classy.....World.
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